i

get

hurt

and just when i thought things were on a solid, (well paved, with attention to detail, pretty, happy, sparkly, jesus thank you, I knew things would get better!) track- an illness that seemed as though it was being controlled…..was i a fool to believe the show that was acted out in front of my eyes?

I blossom in his love, it’s obvious. I shine with his smiles, it’s like a daily nutritious meal I thrive off of.

after I met him, I thought all of my trials and errors and tears within bad relationships were to prepare me for the bliss of being with him. I thought that I was being prepared as a human, a student of life- to grow, accept, understand and have a wealth of experiences to know how to handle, respect, understand and deeply love you as much as I ever thought I could love another person who is not offspring.

but yet, the times he hurt me, the way he hurt me seems all too eerily familiar. the ripping of trust i held so proudly and sure of all seems like a harsh joke- something I thought I was sure I had with him and would battle anyone who would dare to contest.

to break a promise with me and then making a new promise to his friend is sour to say the least.

what a fool I am to fully believe that I was given the blessing to live life to the fullest and love the way dreamers dream about, the way poets cry about, the inspiration in which romantic scripts are written, the way artists feel from what they think they receive from their muses,  the way I love him…

such a fool to see myself as a different person in the mirror- a child only am I.

It’s always good when we’re on cloud nine, the love is superb, the decisions roll by effortlessly, the little things are little, a smile still stands strong when your face hits the pillow at night next to the partner of your dreams… and what a high it is to be tired from laughing with the person you seem to think was made just for you…..

and what despair when hurt has hit, tears have been shed and he neglects the basic essentials with out leaving even a root to hang on to, with out a word, he leaves to go have fun and forget that anything wrong ever happened. His intentions always differ from mine, his intentions are like a basic instinct to benefit the best for him.

the future is full of opportunities with a wide open mind and a carefully corralled heart. i need to ground my emotions and speak the truth to my heart and let it know that it does not matter how much you love a person, how much you do for them, how much you change this from that and stop this to do that for another person… they can only love as much as they want to… and when i see that it’s not enough for me then I need to open my eyes to the harsh reality of truth.

the sun will rise again tomorrow but, instead of the glistening, beautiful day i see ahead of me, I will have those choices to make that seem bitter and blister my spirit.

If it’s all in perspective, give me a partner who will benefit from my struggling and grow with me, beside me, and love me the way I can love.